She’s like the carnival prize you try so hard to win, and you spend all your time and money trying, frustrating yourself. Then you finally realize the game is rigged and you didn’t even want the carnival prize. And you’re left with a sense of loneliness and regret.
Adventure time. Pacific northwest loving. Mind opening.
Darkness was a presence. I learned to see in it, I learned to see through it, and I learned to see the darkness of my own. I wanted to sleep and sleep and never wake up. I had lost the few things I knew, and what was here belonged to somebody else. Perhaps that would have been all right if what was inside me was my own, but there was no place to anchor. There were two Atlantics; one outside the lighthouse, and one inside me. The one inside me had no string of guiding lights.
Because I am a woman who understands, I am asked to understand everything, to accept everything. I am a human being, not a goddess.
It is true when you are by yourself and you think about life, it is always sad. All that excitement and so on has a way of suddenly leaving you, and it’s as though, in the silence, somebody called your name, and you heard your name for the first time.
I had to set up a barrage of self-protecting lies. I needed to protect my real self from people; they not only betrayed me but also distorted my personality. And now you, you give me strength. You are calm and strong, and really know me. You don’t need experience. You were born knowing. Knowing the world, knowing the biggest parts of me. You have all I need; an understanding without need of facts, realities. I have done the vilest things, foulest things, but I have done them superbly, and I feel I have passed through them, I feel intact, I feel innocent. You understand that. You have an intuition. What does it matter what I do, it is what I am that matters.
What thing worthy of love can be found in me?
One word I would banish from the dictionary is “escape”. Just banish that and you’ll be fine. Because that word has been misused regarding anybody who wanted to move away from a certain spot and wanted to grow. He was an escapist. You know if you forget that word you will have a much easier time. Also you’re in the prime, the beginning of your life; you should experiment with everything, try everything. You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too.
We were walking together over dead leaves crackling like paper. She was weeping over the end of a cycle. How one must be thrust over a finished cycle in life, and that leap the most difficult to make — to part with one’s faith, one’s love when one would prefer to renew faith and re-create the passion. The struggle to emerge out of the past, clean of memories; the inadequacy of our hearts to cut life into separate and final portions; the pain of this constant ambivalence and interrelation of emotions; the hunger for frontiers against which we might lean as upon closed doors before we proceed forward; the struggle against diffusion, new beginnings, against finality in acts without finality or end, in our cursedly repercussive being. Her tears were glowing and I was happy! Happy! I was happy; I was glimpsing inside her soul. Right at that moment. She was also glimpsing into mine.